Rugpulled Spouse

4 @ v/mypartneristrans - posted o

a6 -

. Struggling as the spouse of a (MTF) trans person
Please bear with me as I am entirely new to Reddit and the trans community.
On his 38th birthday, a little after Christmas, my husband of nine months came out to me as trans. He said it was
something he had known for awhile but hadn't been able to embrace until recently. I had noticed a change in his mood
for the better recently and was pleased, as he lives with barely-controlled depression and anxiety which fuel his temper.
After he told me, I tried to refrain from making any snap judgments. I cried and was somewhat upset, but told him I
would stay and that we would work through this. I told him I needed him to go as slowly as he could because I don't do
well with change and he is aware of that. He agreed and said that I had to be comfortable with any changes since he
"dumped all of this" on me.
By New Year's, he had started the process of permanently removing his body hair and wearing his late wife's pajamas and
panties that he had kept hidden after she passed, because he knew he wanted to wear it some day. He hid these away
eight months before we ever met, three years ago.
He has since moved on to makeup and clothing questions, frequently asking them while I am at work, though I told him I
needed him to not send me that while I am at work. I get distracted and upset. I am the sole breadwinner, so I really need
to keep my job.
I've tried so hard to be supportive. I read his insurance contract to see what hormone treatments are covered (he is not
interested in any type of surgery, which, I think after his experience during his tonsillectomy, is a good ideal), helped him
figure out his clothing size, figured out where to get the money for his treatments, and try to generally be encouraging.
But this is tempered by a grief so deep that some days I have trouble putting one foot in front of the other. I cry and want
to scream. I also have depression and anxiety but try to do a good job of managing my mental health through meds and
regular therapy. But this has me completely wrong-footed. Though I love him and support him, some days I am just angry
and depressed. My therapist says this is normal and that for someone who only learned this <45 days ago, I'm doing
pretty well.
My partner disagrees. He says he is going slow and that since he hadn't seen me cry for five days, he assumed it was full
speed ahead. Now he is saying he won't transition, as I have "taken all the joy out of the experience." He is refusing to see
a therapist, saying that he is "smarter" than all of them and they can't help him. He says he will consider couples therapy,
but doesn't think it would help.
Iam at my wit's end. He tells me he cannot trust me since I can't make up my mind on what he should do. I provide for
us, handle bills, taxes, repair work, making doctor's appointments, etc. He cleans the house and does a really good job at
it. 1am applying for a new job so that I can make more money so we can more easily afford this. I feel like I am doing
about all I can to make this happen for him, but it's never enough to him. Is there something I'm not considering? I am
trying to put my grief aside and just get on board, but that worries me for my mental health on down the line. I have a
habit of ignoring my own needs in order to take care of the wants of others, to my eventual detriment and subsequent
meltdown.
Anyway, any and all advice would be appreciated because I feel like I'm going crazy.
Thanks!