Mioke Magic

I feel really scared and trapped. (self.askransgender)

submitted 9 hours ago by Mioke_Magic ©
I'm AMAB, around 30 years old, married, and have a baby on the way.
Since I was a little kid I've identified with female characters in fiction, enjoyed play female characters more in video
games, and generally enjoyed more girly things. I've also wondered a lot what it would be like to be a girl/have a
woman's body. For a long time I thought that these were just thoughts that everyone dealt with from time to time,
and that you just have to suppress them and move on.
Over the past few years, I've learned more and more about what it means to be transgender, and the more frequently
I read about these things, see people's stories, see before/after pics of transitioning, the more frequent and severe
that occasional dysphoric thought becomes. The more I want those things for me.
A few months ago I told my wife that I thought I was genderfluid/non-binary. She was accepting and supportive, but I
can tell that the thought of me presenting female, or being with a woman at all grosses her out. I understand that and
don't expect her to change for me. I've been experimenting with things like shaving my legs or painting my nails, and
those seem to alleviate the feelings of dysphoria pretty well.
I think I'm starting to accept the fact that I'm just straight up trans. I look in the mirror and want long pretty hair, I
want a softer face, I want boobs, I want a vagina. Like if I could push that gender-swap button, and if it weren't for
the fact that it'd screw up the most important thing in my life, I'd push it without a second thought and never look
back. But I don't think that's ever going to be in the cards for me. I guess I'm just looking for more ways to feel
feminine without... Actually being a woman.
I love my wife more than anything in the world. I can't imagine life without her. I never want to do anything to hurt
her or drive us apart. Especially with us about to have a baby. I just want us to be a happy family. She knows I'm in
therapy about a lot of these issues, but doesn't know how deep these feelings are.
Thanks for reading...

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